In approximately 2 weeks time, I'm going to marry to weiwen and I'm going to move outta my house and stay at his house. Gosh! I don't mean it is something bad but I simply don't bear to move out. Time really pass so fast. In a blink of an eye, I'm 22! I'm getting married! I'm going to have a family of my own! So many things came into my mind. 

The guy whom I never thought we will be together for life, yet going to come true. I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with him. I love him and I hope to marry him but I always thought we are incompatible and thus, always thought that this day will never come. But I'm wrong! Always expect the unexpected! 

Okay! Come back to my main topic. Frankly speaking, I really don't bear to move out. Noo.. Should be don't bear to leave my mom. I just want to be somewhere near her. That's all. Nearly cried for the past few days because I think back about the past how my mom dote on me. It's really heart breaking to look back on how mischievous I were. In e past, I broke her heart too many times. No matter how much I apologize to her, it is never enough. No one can ever replace the love of a mother. I'm going to be a mother soon. So I understand that no parents will want their child to be bad. No parents will "hai" their children. All parents want to give their children the best. If my mom able to read my blog. I would really love to tell her "I love her and thanks for bringing me up." " you are the best mom I ever had and after reincarnation, I wanna be your daughter again. Well! I know it sounds a bit nonsense but I just can't find ways to express my feeling. 

Today, I slept on her bed because she and my dad went outstation. So many flashbacks went thru my mind. I remembered I used to sleep with her when I was a baby till I'm like primary 6. Then my dad would sacrifice and sleep on e other mattress. Thanks daddy! Because I were afraid to sleep alone and I was so close to my mom till I followed her where ever she goes. During nursery period, I would wait for her to sleep then I will sleep. If not I will surround myself with lots of soft toys and keep myself protected. I also remembered those days where my family went to play bowling every weekends. We always played till midnight then I will fall asleep in the car while returning home. Every time my mom will piggyback me home, No matter how tired she was. Then She would tell me the following day that she is having a backache and ask me to massage for her. But I was too lazy at times that I will reject her and she will tell me, other people's daughter will massage without a second word but I just ignored. I remembered I once told her when I was young. I said "mommy, I don't want to leave you even if I'm old. I want to stay with you forever!" then she replied me "one day, you will get married and leave with your husband. One day, I will grow old and have to leave you" and if I'm not wrong, I did promised her that I won't leave her when I grow up. 

I think I gonna negotiate with weiwen soon. Telling him that I might come back and stay with my mom even after marriage because I really don't bear to leave her. Gonna plan a timetable soon. Or maybe buy a estate that live near to them and ask his parents to move over with us. I know it's a bit nonsense but I don't know what are some of the other alternatives. *sob*

Okay! Was tearing while typing all these. I think I just cleanse my eyes. It's time to sleep. Good night! 

I went to play mj today and was kinda motivated by sharon. She said girls with degree are very "up" which means got standard. Then I think about it, I feel like getting my cert. But... After my mahjong session, I went home and tried to study. But then... Still cannot leh. I can't study. I try and try. But still cannot. I've been forcing myself to study recently until im having major headache. Don't know if I'm suffering from migraine now. Now I'm like "Zi Bao Zi Qi". I'm those type of person who dislike the feeling of wanting to do something but then cannot do. Super pek chek lo. Suddenly, I felt so helpless. I can't fulfil my dream of getting a degree. Sighed... 

Then yesterday this idiot M told me he gonna enroll for rmit part time with me. In e end, he back out. He says he's going to take full time. Then I already give up studying for my exams then he like that. zzz. Suddenly don't know what to do sia. Hais.. Bo Bian. Can't blame anyone. Want to study or not depend on individual de. But i felt kinda wasted because i've spent so much then i give up. Haiz... Maybe shall see if boyfriend wanna study with me or not or study with my cousin when he comes back from Taiwan after his NS. Study with this 2 people is good. 

1) my cousin is very clever. If we going to take exam I can stay at his house and study. Then smoke together. He can help me with my studies too. 2) with boyfriend, we can spend alot of time together. Will not be afraid that he will know new gals if he study degree in e future. I've been thinking a lot lately. If we really study together. I think I shall marry him liao. By that time I'm old already. No other guys will want me already. :( But 1 bad thing is that, I'm sucks in presentation, ltr he sees me like this, sure say me de. I dont know why, in front of him, I cannot be myself sia. I have to put a brave front infront of him. A very competitive relationship sia. I cannot lose to him like that. I everything also want to win him. He everything also want to win me leh. 

I think I shall start working soon. Dont want to be a useless person in the future. Cannot let ppl despise. ESP my 三姑六婆 relatives. At least I work, I pay back the money to my mum, I ll feel better. 

I went to play mj today and was kinda motivated by sharon. She said girls with degree are very "up" which means got standard. Then I think about it, I feel like getting my cert. But... After my mahjong session, I went home and tried to study. But then... Still cannot leh. I can't study. I try and try. But still cannot. I've been forcing myself to study recently until im having major headache. Don't know of I'm suffering from migraine now. Now I'm like "Zi Bao Zi Qi". I'm those type of person who dislike the feeling of wanting to do something but then cannot do. Super pek chek lo. Suddenly, I felt so helpless. I can't fulfil my dream of getting a degree. Sighed... 

Then yesterday this idiot M told me he gonna enroll for rmit part time with me. In e end, he back out. He says he's going to take full time. Then I already give up studying for my exams then he like that. zzz. Suddenly don't know what to do sia. Hais.. Bo Bian. Can't blame anyone. Want to study or not depend on individual de. But i felt kinda wasted because i've spent so much then i give up. Haiz... Maybe shall see if boyfriend wanna study with me or not or study with my cousin when he comes back from Taiwan after his NS. Study with this 2 people is good. 

1) my cousin is very clever. If we going to take exam I can stay at his house and study. Then smoke together. He can help me with my studies too. 2) with boyfriend, we can spend alot of time together. Will not be afraid that he will know new gals if he study degree in e future. I've been thinking a lot lately. If we really study together. I think I shall marry him liao. By that time I'm old already. No other guys will want me already. :( But 1 bad thing is that, I'm sucks in presentation, ltr he sees me like this, sure say me de. I dont know why, in front of him, I cannot be myself sia. I have to put a brave front infront of him. A very competitive relationship sia. I cannot lose to him like that. I everything also want to win him. He everything also want to win me leh. 

I think I shall start working soon. Dont want to be a useless person in the future. Cannot let ppl despise. ESP my 三姑六婆 relatives. At least I work, I pay back the money to my mum, I ll feel better. 

Now I felt like blogging whatever things that is on my mind. Been really very depressed recently. Gotten so much stress on both relationship and my studies. Sighed.. *sob*

Recently I gotten a news that actually, I can work as a personal banker even though I've a diploma cert that is not related to business or finance and banking. This made me lost my interest in my studies. Now.. I totally feel like giving up on my studies but thinking back how much my mum had spent on my degree, I felt extremely guilty. I felt that I had disappoint her on having high hope on me getting my degree. Now I'm in a dilemma of continuing to study or just come out and work and slowly pay her back the money that she had spent. Recently, I do not have the mood to study. I've been procrastinating for weeks. When I do not have the feel to study, everything I've read through just doesn't get into my mind. Haiz... How ah? This makes me think back of the promises I've made to my mum. I've told her that I will study well, get a degree and make her proud, gonna earn a lot of money to take care of her in the future and then go for a photo shoot with my whole family. Now.. I think about it, I felt that I've broke those promises and I felt extremely disappointed in myself for not fulfilling it. sighed... Partially, I went to this Cameron trip to have some self reflection. After I've reflected, I realized it's a bit too late to start studying now. I'm going to flunk all my papers. :( but... People always say, it's never too late if you've tried. Then I told my mum, I'm going to give it a try for my exams but if I'm going to fail 1 module, I'm going to quit and start working. okay... Gonna put in all my heart to study this afternoon. Chiong all the way till may. All in One month time and I really pray damn hard that I will pass. I've made up my mind to continue if I pass. My initial plan was to quit no matter pass or fail. 

Next.. I realized my relationship with boyfriend wasn't as stable as how it used to be. Even though the pictures we had took look as if we are very sweet but it was a facade. Both of us basically have different thinkings. Sometimes I felt that he despises me but he said he wasn't. I think it's either I've think too much or I've interpreted it wrongly. It's his way of talking. Maybe we are too close that we tend to neglect one another feelings. Therefore, the way we talked, is pretty straightforward. I felt that he is not understanding enough. Not thoughful, lack of care and concern for me. The most important thing is the lack of mutual trust. He doesn't seem to trust me and always suspect this and that. It applies to me too. Haiz.. Lastly, always restrict me in meeting my "guy" friends and drinking sessions with my friends. I'm really very pissed off with all this shit. Other than these, I think we are kind of good. He said that meeting of guys and drinking sessions will only end up in a break up. Therefore, he didn't meet any of his "girl" friends. Basically I felt that a healthy relationship shouldn't have any restrictions. One should have his/her privacy and friends. Without friends, what should one do if he/she is facing some difficulties? so we came up with some solutions. Somehow, the both of us couldn't get into agreement. Maybe the both of us had high ego and were too used in people giving in to us. He said why not the both of us just meet who ever we like but one should know his/her limit . But I couldn't agree to it. The restriction had been there for months and old habits are hard to change. I can't take it when he over-controlled but when he give me all the freedom, I felt that something is amiss which is his love for me. Sighed... I know! The problem lies on me. But this is my character and I cant change it in such a short time. Then I told him, why not we just bring each other to meet our friends(opposite sex). We still meet if one of us is busy. But he couldn't come into terms with me because he says he dislikse socializing with guys. WTH?!!! He simply don't like me to go on a single date with guys. He only allow me to meet a mixture or girls only. After much persuasion, He agreed to my terms but I felt so..... (couldn't describe that feeling I'm having now) arghhh!!! I felt that he accepted my terms unwillingly. 

After much reflection, I felt that we either break or carry on with the life we lead in the past. As I think that there isn't any more solutions to it as the both of us wanted things to go accordingly to our ways. We will break either now or later. I can no longer think about the beautiful future I once thought we gonna have. I really do cherish him and I really love him a lot that I don't want to lose him. I want him to be happy too but I can't take it anymore too. I'm going to explode soon. What should I do? 

Sometimes I felt that love is full of contradiction. Some people said that if you really love him, love him for who he is. Then some people said that, in order to manage/maintain a healthy relationship, both should confide one's feeling and find a way to solve it. (isn't this known as changing someone too?) I'm really confused. I felt that, the only solution is either one should just give it while the other party have to tolerate. But it hurts to see him looking so upset. Should I really just listen to him and lose all my contact with my "guy" friends? I really don't know. If I do so? What will My future be if we break 1 day. I don't know if he will have a change of heart after he ord. If we break, I don't think I'm going to have much friends left. I was scolded by some people for being "Zong se Qing you" already. Sighed.. If we are married, I don't mind having no "guy" friends but the thing is that we aren't. Haiz.. I really need a love guru to give me some guidance but I think there isn't any solutions to a love problem I think. Love is the hardest thing to study compared to sociology, law... Etc. If only love can be a machine that is so much easier to operate. That will be great. Haiz..

I'm in such a dilemma, depress and confuse state. All I can say is that I really love him alot and I really do cherish him. I really wish that everything will turn out well after a sleep. I really wish that he will be the one that I can walk the rest of my life with. The only guy that I can share all my emotions with but... Now? No more. 

I think we need to give each other some time to think about it. Okay! I hope this will not affect my studies. Shall put it aside for the time being. I shall try not to quarrel with him anymore. I don't know how long we will last but I hope that we will have some good memories to leave with in the future. 

Okay! It's time to sleep. Felt so much better after ranting all my anger. Blog is a nice place to write out all your emotions and thoughts as I've lost the feeling of confiding to him as he always tell me, he wants to sleep. I really hope he cherish and love me as much as I cherish & love him. *pray that we will last*

I'm back! Haha. I'm going to post on a trip to Cameron highland with boyfriend. :) many people probably feel that Cameron is a very boring place but I simply love this kind of place as it really bring us out from a stressful country like sg. The life there is so much quiet and peaceful. It's stress-free from my point of view.

Board a 10pm bus on Friday(08/04) and we reached Cameron highland around 8am. The place is so cold that I shivered once I stepped out of the bus. This is brinchang. The wether temperature there is around 12 degree celsius.



After we had our breakfast, we went back to the bus and e tour guide came to introduce some of the activities that we might be interested in. There's 6 types: leisure tour, nature discovery tour, agro delight tour, sunrise spectacular tour, jungle trekking tour and amazing rafflesia tour. We only went to 3 of the tour due to the amount of time we had.

nature discovery tour (10am)

it is the visit to the tea plantation. I'm not going to talk much about what it is about and let the pictures do the talk.














laksa leaves.


use it to make tiger balm.

Next to B.O.H (tea centre)









After that we went for our lunch. It's inclusive in e package. Quite worth it. Haha.









Agro delight tour (3pm)

Vegetable farm



















Flowers farm














playing with this dog. it seems like it is asking me to rescue him. lol.



Catus farm







Strawberries farm
Haha.. This is the place I longed to go.














Trying so hard to pluck it!


We paid 20rm to pluck whatever Straberries we want.







Hydroponics vegetables farm




They look so fresh and green right. Looks good eh? Haha..


These vegetables are the one we ate in salad.





Lastly steamboat dinner. It's inclusive too. :)





After that headed to the night market at brinchang. It's only available on Friday, Saturday and public holiday. Luckily we went on weekends. :) no pictures available for this. Basically, they are selling alot of stawberries soft toys, clothes which we found in sg pasar malam. Of cause much more cheaper! Oh yah! There's lot of vegetables, food and strawberries too. I see until I got phobia towards strawberries. It's a norm at there as caneron is very popular with it's strawberries.

Time to go back and rest! This is my apartment! At equatorial hotel.


living room.


kitchen.


bedroom.



Woke up at 5 in the morning. Time to head to the hill to see sunrise. It's a very waste money tour said by boyfriend because we can't see the sun rise. It was blocked by the clouds. If you are able to see it, you are considered lucky. We are just that sway! :(





That's all for the day. A really memorable and cultural trip in deed. :)